DisPinterest: Maternity Photos Edition

(warning: there are naked pregnant ladies ahead.)

The problem with photography these days is that everyone thinks they're a photographer.  Being a photographer is hard work.  I speak from second-hand experience, of course, because I am not a photographer.

See?? It's not that hard to just admit it.  Repeat after me.

"I am not a photographer." *

*Exceptions: you own a DSLR.  Haha, no, wait, that's like EVERYONE EVER. Even I have a DSLR.  You...have a photography "business."  No, that won't work...there are a jillion of you guys still. Let's narrow it down even more.  If you can answer "yes" to more than three or more of the following questions, I will feel okay publicly acknowledging that you are a professional photographer.

Did you attend school for photography?
Do you run an actual photography business? 
Do your clients involve people other than family members/friends of friends/Facebook friends who are getting married?
Do you have more than 10 clients?
Do you have more than 3 years of experience?
Do you own more than two camera lenses?

No?

Okay, see? that's not so hard.  Not all of us can be professional photographers.  It's okay.

These photos, on the other hand, are mostly from professional photographers, as far as I can tell.
And it just goes to show one thing:


Just being a professional doesn't save you from having extraordinarily bad taste.

1. Earth Mother Wandering in the Woods.

I get it, I get it.  Pregnant women are somehow inherently Earth Women.  We tend to spend our entire pregnancies swishing our hands through crystal mountain streamlets, looking upward through forests of bamboo whilst pondering our newfound spiritual meaning.  

We certainly don't gain fifty billion pounds, eat Oreos by the package, scream at our husbands, or get hemorrhoids.

2. So THAT'S Where Babies Come From.

The mysteries of life, solved at last! We were borne in a giant nest of broken tree trunks and dead grass by a sleeping naked lady.  It's all so clear to me now.

3. I Honestly Don't Know What To Title This.

Discuss:

• Red decided to be fully clothed including stockings, shoes, and a cape, except she just forgot...oh, I don't know, HER SHIRT (????), so her boobs are hanging out everywhere.

• Red Riding Hood, who, in the fairy tale is a little girl, is PREGNANT. And she is hanging out with the wolf.  Um...whhhhhhhhat?

• They are posing as a fairy tale in which the wolf EATS Red Riding Hood. EATS HER.

• Someone, somewhere, thought this was a good idea.

• THEIR PHOTOGRAPHER DIDN'T STOP THEM.

And lest you think this was the work of an amateur, it wasn't.  

4. She is not Wearing Pants.  SHE IS NOT WEARING PANTS.

Pregnancy is a cool time.  It's a time to celebrate the growth of a baby inside of you. It's also, for this woman, a time to still feel as sexy as possible.  

Without wearing pants.

Because what friends and family wouldn't want to see these maternity photos? It's not awkward at ALL.   She's only giving sexy-time looks to the camera...on a bed...(dare I mention it again?) 

...without PANTS!

"Oh, daughter, these maternity photos are...um...really...uh...neat."

"Thanks Dad! Can't wait for you to meet our baby!"

Yikes.

And by the way, lady...you chose to wear a sweater...and no pants? You were so cold you had to wear a sweater, but weren't cold enough to wear PANTS??

5. Make Sure You Show Them Your Belly So They Know You're Not Faking.

This last one is a double header (no pun intended, baseball, haha...I'm so funny).

Just in case someone thinks you're lying, you have GOT to find a way to show them your actual belly.  Otherwise, rumors will run rampant.  It's practically a rule of maternity photography. No belly, no baby.

But seriously, though...what is it with all of the half-clothed maternity photos?? I get that you want to show your belly. It's cute. Guess what? WE CAN STILL SEE IT THROUGH YOUR CLOTHING.  So you can still wear some.  I promise.

Do you have an awful pin to show me? Email me at DisPinterest at me.com.

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