DisPinterest: Things You Should Not Do With Food

Oh, you guys. You guys. Have I got the pins for you today. This will make up for my sad, sad dearth of blogging lately. It will make up for it AND give me five gold stars. THAT'S how good it will be.

Let's get right to it.

Have you ever seen a caption like this:


You haven't?

Well, consider yourself blessed. Seriously blessed. Because I have not one, but THREE Cookie-Cake-Pie hybrids to show you today, as well as a slew of other things I'm just calling "un-makeables." I've said it before and I'll say it again: America is running out of creative, original ideas and all it can think of to do is slop two or more random things together and hope for the best. (Thus we see the genesis of the cookie + cake + pie monstrosity.)

First up, THIS:

1. Because Normal Popsicles Are Just So 2012.

Soooooo, steak pops everyone. With sprinkles, because that makes sense. (Remember what I said about two random things stuck together? See Exhibit A. ^^^^)

Eating steak with a knife and fork is way too hard and definitely way too plebeian. Why do that when you can get all fancy and cut round circle of steak, stick a sucker stick in it, grill it, and put cuuuute sprinkles on it? Who cares if it's only one bite of steak, it looks cute AND it outdoes your neighbor's boring and **shudder** normal steak grilling routine. And if you look way cuter than them while you're making your individually bite-sized steak pops, more power to you! You have to prepare and grill thirty individual steak pops, no biggie! The joy is all in creating!!

And boy, those sprinkles--I just can't get enough of those sprinkles. What an awesome job blending the salty/sweet factor. It looks very appetizing. The way they're sticking to that steak sauce, mmmm MMMM, am I right?? Whenever I think of cake/sprinkles/suckers, I *always* think of steak, too.

2. This Is Called A "Sizzle Stick."

And no, I am not making that up.

Look, I get it. It probably tastes delicious. I love meatballs / meatloaf / barbecued conglomerates of mystery meats as much as the next American. But don't you think you could have come up with A) a better name than "Sizzle Sticks", which I am going to present to you without comment, and B) a better SHAPE for the aforementioned Sizzle Stick? I don't care how good it tastes, it quite literally looks like you're eating crap on a stick. There's just no graceful way of getting around it. Could we not have found a different way of presenting this?

And since we're on a meat kick, here's one more that should not be made, eaten, and/or looked at for more than ten seconds:

If this isn't making you want to vomit right now, then congrats--you have no gag reflex whatsoever.

If you're like the rest of us normal people with eyes, try not to spend too long looking at it, because it just gets worse. This is not the kind of thing you can get acclimated to, trust me. 

The "meatiness" of the hot dog fingers...the slashes for knuckle marks...the sticky ketchup at the bottom of the severed phalanges...the substance oozing out from underneath the fingernail...and you want me to EAT that?

 Go ahead, peel grapes to make eyeballs, stick spaghetti noodles in a bowl for brains, stir up the lasagna to resemble entrails--just don't ever ever EVER make this. I don't care if it's Halloween, your son's first monster-themed birthday, or if you just thought it was "clever," I'm gonna go ahead and say a big fat NO.

Or, as my friend Mr. Octopus would say:

Would you like to see something else you should NOT do for Halloween?

Make your guests snack on a pinned, dissected cadaver. 

It's just bad hostess skills.

Because nothing's more appetizing than eating entrails.

I mean...I just can't even...do they think that it looks interesting??

The heart...the intestines...the quivering liver made out of some sort of spread...the random pickle (who knows what THAT'S supposed to be?)...the sausage for the large intestine...

And to top it all off, the party toothpicks, simultaneously calling attention to the fact that you're expected to cannibalize a look-alike human cadaver, AND that you're at a "party." 

I don't know what kind of parties you guys get invited to, but if this is what you're expected to eat, I would run away. 

And then call the police. 

Speaking of meats, odds and ends, and Things You Should Not Do With Food, here's another gem for you:

5. Hot Dog Pie. Yes, A Pie That Is Made Out Of Hot Dogs.

"I received this recipe from a co-worker who loves hot dogs," writes Amy Bullis of Henryville, Pennsylvania. "It's a big hit for family get-togethers. It's so convenient, I usually double this recipe and put one pie in the freezer for times when we need a fast meal."
^^That right there is an actual quote from the recipe page. Can you imagine going to Aunt Amy's house as a kid, and her saying, "Well, I wasn't sure what to make for dinner, but I just remembered I have a hot dog pie in the freezer!"

(If you'd like to know my reaction to that, please see Octopus GIF above.)

Would you like to know the ingredients? Of course you would, because you are, like me, a glutton for punishment. Whelp, here they are:

  • 1/2 pound ground beef
  • 4 hot dogs, cut in half lengthwise and sliced
  • 1 can (16 ounces) baked beans
  • 1/2 cup ketchup
  • 2 tablespoons brown sugar
  • 2 tablespoons prepared mustard
  • 2 ounces process cheese (Velveeta), cubed
  • 1 unbaked deep-dish pastry shell (9 inches)
  • 4 slices American cheese
This is basically every summer leftover ever, put into a pie shell.  Sounds delish. Also, I don't think anything but eating Big Macs every day would kill you faster. Processed meat full of nitrates, processed cheese, ketchup, MORE processed cheese...no wonder we are a nation full of people with diabeetus.

I like how there is an actual, honest-to-goodness recipe for this, as if someone is actually going to make it. I feel like it's one of those "Recipes for Friendship" things that is made to illustrate a point, not made to be made. Maybe the point of this is that you can call anything a pie as long as it's baked in a pie shell?

Like...cookies? Cookie pie? 

I've actually featured this pie on DisPinterest before, but it fit so well here I had to include it. Let's just go over some things briefly:

1. This is a PIE made from COOKIES, because cookies and pie on their own are not good enough. Of course.
2. Not only is it made from COOKIES, it is made from SUGAR COOKIES. Raise your hand if you would like to eat a neon-pink slice of melty sugar cookie baked frosting.
3. The ingredients are basically a stick of butter, MORE sugar (because there isn't enough sugar in sugar cookies, frosted with about an inch of sugary frosting...but I digress), and three eggs. Doesn't that sound yummy?
4. That is all I have to say.

That was just ONE cookie/pie mishap, and the least offensive at that. Here's another one:

It just wasn't enough to combine cookies with pie. The insanity continues as Pinterest bakers rush to find the next original thing. What to do? Simply add another dessert to the mix. Cookie CAKE pie is much more interesting than just plain ol' cookie pie.

I call dibs on making Cookie Cake Tart Pancake Waffle Cheesecake Ice Cream Pie. And then I'm going to roll it up in a pastry and deep fry it, THEN top it with whipped cream and caramel, a la the deep-fried southern gal herself, Paula Deen--because only she could come up with something that crazy. Now THAT'S a dessert.

No copycats. 

Wait a sec. 

Just wait. 

Let me get this straight: you used a CAKE mix to make a COOKIE dough into a CAKE batter-flavored COOKIE CAKE that's in the shape of a PIE?? 



Seriously, can we just stop trying to be more creative, cutesy, and clever than each other and just accept that there are tried-and-true recipes out there because they are TRIED and TRUE, and more importantly, that in this viral world we live in, if a recipe hasn't been thought of by now there's probably a darn good reason for it.

With that in mind, I'm going to leave one more with you. Don't worry, it's just a cake.

Not a cookie cake, nor a pie cake--not even a cookie cheesecake pie cake. Just a cake.

Okay, well, a cake that will give you nightmares. But still! Just a cake!

You've been warned.

Yet again...more sprinkles in places they clearly should not ever (EVER) be.

Also, the strawberry chunks...I will never look at a red, juicy strawberry the same.

Let's not forget the baby's soulless stare, boring into your mind.

And I'm not even going to speculate on what the black sprinkles on the side of the cake represent. Nope. Not going there.

Bonus nightmares: imagine THIS conversation at your baby shower, while your friend is cutting up the cake:

A: Hey, would you like a piece of cake? 
B: Sure. Just give me a part of the labia, with a little bit of those afterbirth strawberries. 
A: Okay, sure! 
B: Ooh! Careful of the baby's head, though! You almost gouged its eye out! 
A Good call.  [cuts cake] Here ya go! 
B: Thanks. Actually, can you put some more pubic hair sprinkles on my slice? I happen to particularly enjoy those. 
A: Sure, no problem! [plop] Enjoy the rest of the baby shower!

Too far? Maybe a little bit too far. But hey, I'm not the one who made an anatomically [in]correct cake for someone's baby shower. 

Don't kill the messenger.

Here's a pin, for all of your sharing needs:

As always, you can send me a nomination for DisPinterest to DisPinterest (at) me (dot) com. And if you enjoyed this post, you would probably enjoy reading my other posts

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